“Tell me about your mother…”
This article was featured in The Beaumont magazine Dec 2023 issue
Mythology surrounding the phrase ‘tell me about your mother’ holds that it was central to Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theory and practice. He believed the notion that the root of our ability to adjust to the world around us is ultimately tied to the relationship we have, or have had, with our mother. So, is this true? I don’t think anyone can be sure, but as a counsellor I do love to ask that question because I know it can, not always but so very often, be the beginning of the unravelling of a multitude of subconscious beliefs that have caused so much of the pain in the person sat in front of me.
People started to sit in front of me offloading their issues in 2007 when I first set up my private counselling practice in South Wales. At that time I was also counselling in a busy NHS Sexual Health Clinic which was a rather dingy outbuilding that was a part of the city’s hospital. One day a very butch guy in trackies and trainers walked in for a routine check-up, and whilst seeing a nurse he broke down and admitted that he had feelings that he was in fact a woman. As the clinic’s lead counsellor he was referred to me for a “chat”. And there started my journey into the world of transgender. Let’s call him Humphrey; from then on I meet with Humphrey on a weekly basis for many years that span his whole journey into becoming “Betty” (again, not her real name). What a journey that was not only for Betty but also for me. Betty is one of the clients that I will never forget. Why? She was my first ever Trans client, and it was such a privilege to be part of her journey and see Humphrey be reborn into Betty. That journey saw the Humphrey, and the manly exterior that he thought he had to portray, dissolve away and his true soul reawakened in Betty. I have to admit that the question “Tell me about your mother” and all that unravelled from it led to my understanding of the image that he was trying to project onto the world around him. That image was to hide Betty away; but why would we want to hide away our true selves?
Everyone is an individual and will have their own specific reasons behind why they feel they can’t be their true selves. However, behind these reasons there will always be one overarching emotion, and that is fear. Fear will have been placed in our subconscious by a person, place or thing and will be used to shape and form the beliefs that we will go on to base our interactions and experiences on. So, can mothers place the fear in us that leads to these beliefs? Sorry to all mothers who are reading this but the answer is yes, and that fear can be the root of all unhappiness. Humphrey sat in front of me fearful of facing the truth, fearful of what others would think, fearful of what would happen in transitioning into Betty, fearful of the past, present and future, fearful of walking out of the house as Betty and the list goes on. And yes, all these fears led right back to the fear of telling his mother.
Fear is omnipotent; it controls us and it prevents us from being ourselves. I ask you to think about the fears that hold you back from being your true authentic self. Think about where they come from, did someone place them there? How have these fears led to you modifying your behaviour or actions? Now, think about a fear you no longer carry and feel the relief that having released that fear gives you – this is freedom from fear, a place where you can just be. Most of the trans clients that I have counselled over the years have had a childhood filled with fear, whether that was to do with confusion, rejection, or fear of the unknown. Having said that many non-trans people experience the same. For instance, the fear of rejection is not only prevalent with trans people but also common with those who question their sexuality. As a gay man, I understand and have experienced the worst form of rejection myself. Feelings of rejection are based on fear. “If I show my true authentic self, will people stop loving me, will I be excluded, and will that be my evidence that I am not good enough?”.
If you are on a transformational journey, I guarantee that if there are blocks that hold you back, they are based on a fear that you still hold. On my counselling website I mention that I want people to find the happiness they deserve. Through the process of counselling and the removal of these fears everyone can be as happy as they deserve to be. Reaching that apex of contentment in oneself is always the ambition I have with all my clients. Humphrey initially came to me full of fear with ideas of throwing in the towel and leaving this planet. Only after the long journey that we took together did I truly have the privilege of meeting Betty. And what a fabulous young woman full of confidence she was. Ready to take on the world, and most importantly fearless.
I stayed in the NHS till 2021 and during those years I became specialised in counselling trans people. I met many more Humphreys and Bettys and each had their story to tell, all different. I addition, I helped transform local NHS and community services to be more inclusive of trans people. I now concentrate my time on my private counselling practice which aims to offer support to more people like Humphrey and Betty. Based in South Wales, but also offering online counselling nationwide, I find this work thoroughly rewarding. And yes, I still find that the question “tell me about your mother” is crucial in helping to open up discussions that begin to unpack what is preventing trans people from being their most authentic self.
