Domestic Abuse and Self-love
Domestic abuse has been an area of my work for almost 20 years. Having worked in the criminal justice sector dealing with perpetrators of abuse and later in the NHS dealing with victims, it feels to me that I have seen both sides of the story, and neither side is pleasant. Working with perpetrators in the past gave me a real insight into how an abusers mind works, their rationale and how life has led them down that path. One thing I noticed about them was that they were all so very charming. However, I knew things about them that they thought I didn’t know and as soon as I made them aware of what I knew they had done, then they changed towards me. At times this was shown through anger and aggression towards me, but what they didn’t understand was that unlike their victims, I wasn’t scared of them and once this realisation dawned on them, their attitude changed.
I was happy to leave that perpetrator world behind and land a position where I was able to work with the victims. Domestic abuse became a prominent part of my daily work and, years later I was even training staff across the NHS on Domestic Abuse awareness. I must add here that I was a male amongst what was predominantly a female work force.
As an experienced counselling working with victims of domestic abuse, I hear endless sad stories of people’s lives and the suffering they endure. There are many similarities in all the people who have been victims of domestic abuse. One of them is the lack of love they have for themselves. Self-love seems to be something that today’s society appears to lack. As we grow up, we are taught to be kind and nice to others but seldom are we told to be nice and love ourselves. So many of my clients love their families, children and friends but seem to loathe themselves. How can we expect others to love us if we don’t love ourselves? How can we expect others to be nice and kind to us if we can’t even be nice to ourselves? If we allow others to treat us badly then that is a sign that we lack self-respect and love for ourselves. A major step in the healing process is to love one-self. I hear often from clients that they do not know how to love themselves, it’s almost alien to them, but they say they deeply love a partner that has caused them physical and emotional pain. Is love for someone who abuses real love?
The journey to healing begins within and that means to love oneself. Love for self can be displayed in many ways and it starts from being kind to oneself. For example, by putting yourself first for once and that can be simply by doing what you want to do, taking time for yourself even if it’s for one hour a day. Remember changing patterns of behaviour in ourselves can take time so baby steps are needed.
So as you read this can you relate? Well, here is a simple exercise you can do to see if you are confident in the love that you have for yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror, look deep into your eyes and say out loud, “I LOVE YOU” and mean it. If you find this at all uncomfortable then maybe you need to start loving yourself more. You can start by doing this mirror exercise daily and over time it will feel less uncomfortable and you will start to believe yourself when you say “I love you”.
