I was very reluctant initially to begin counselling. I don’t really know why. I suppose I had never understood how talking through issues and having somebody listening could help. I guess I aim to be a self-sufficient person and involving others in my own mental dilemmas seemed like failure on my part. However, admitting that I needed help, that I couldn’t fathom all of this out on my own, turned out to be a very good decision. I am glad I didn’t let my own stubbornness keep me in the place of complete and utter misery that I was beginning to get used to. Looking back, these were scary times and I still feel a little shiver down my spine when I think about how far I’ve come. I honestly don’t think this would have been doable without the help and support I got from my counsellor.

 I would forget all your preconceptions about what therapy / counselling is; most of my understanding came from a limited number of American programs I have seen over the years – most notably Hannibal, and this obviously isn’t how it all works in the real world. For a start, upon my first contact with Counselling Services Wales I wasn’t ushered into making an appointment or rushed into deciding if this was right for me. Instead, someone spent over twenty minutes talking to me about whether this is something that I really want to do and would benefit from. This really set me at ease, and I formed an excellent rapport with my counsellor right from the get-go. In all my contact with this service I have never been ‘oversold’ sessions, in fact it ended up being the opposite – once I’d made progress they actually recommended decreasing the frequency of the appointments. 

So counselling is a talking therapy, and obviously you have got to be prepared to talk. And that includes talking about things you don’t really want to talk about. I think everyone should prepare for this; it might be an uncomfortable experience at times, but as progress is made then things in your life begin to improve. Without going on about my situation in too much detail, I had a lot to talk about. Dysfunctional parents, who are probably at the root of most people’s issues (?) featured highly, but then many other related things came from these discussions so much so that it helped make me understand my own behaviours a little bit better. During my sessions things would gradually start to make sense and I could see links between things that I never considered were there before. A different perspective on my problems, and being in an environment where my erroneous views can be challenged or tested certainly helped.

So why couldn’t I have worked all of this out on my own, without the counsellor? Well, the answer is “I don’t know”, but I couldn’t; and believe me I tried and tried. I can’t put my finger on one exact thing that helped, but going into a safe-space for an hour or so to talk about things that I wouldn’t normally choose to share worked for me (I wish Slimfast would too). I think you have to go with an open mind, don’t expect miracles overnight and don’t avoid truths. I guess that’s all obvious, but I think that even at the beginning of my journey I wasn’t fully prepared for full disclosure. In fact, most counsellors have probably heard it all before, and I really shouldn’t have concerned myself with worries about how people perceive me.

The counselling environment isn’t an intimidating one, that too was quite a concern I had at the start. I imagined a stern professional looking female with curly ginger hair sitting in a Eames chair, holding a pencil lightly to her lip and looking down her nose towards me. Actually, it turned out to be more like sitting on a good friend’s comfortable sofa, in their home. I felt instantly at ease with the surroundings and the ‘feel’ of the place I had my sessions in. Over time I began to feel better and worries and concerns I had seemed not to be so significant. I was able to gain a bit more perspective and understanding into where this all began for me, and how none of it (well nearly none) was my direct fault. My counsellor empowered me to accept the past and to use it positively. This may sound trite and obvious, but the way our discussions unfolded I felt almost like I was experiencing a revelation. I can’t describe it, and everyone’s experiences will be different, but I suppose why I am writing this is that I just want to ask anyone who’s considering speaking to a counsellor – what have you got to lose? From my perspective, I would have been leaving far more at stake through not visiting a counsellor, and I honestly can’t stand the thought of turning back the clock to a time before all of this began.